With all due respect to Harvey Weinstein and Shane Solerno, a documentary can be the antithesis of a factumentary when it doctors fact in the name of insatiable sensationalism. Some documentaries forsake journalistic excellence for journalistic excrement, fertilized by more than thirteen million websites.
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If you need to know about that birth certificate kind of crap, I was born "Harvey Winksting."
But my Uncle Simon was a Makeover manufacturer and changed my name to Shameless Shane Soblowme.
Next thing I remember was that the Italian boys from Bensonhurst stopped beating me up every day.
Occasionally, they would call me "Half-Truth Harvey" but I got some industrial strength truth
to send your way.
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Just read what a hospitalized "soldier" wrote in a 1945 letter. He was in Germany arresting people
after Hitler smartened up and killed himself.
I’ve asked CIC to send me to Vienna, but so far no results. I was there for a nearly a year in 1937
CIC stands for the Counter-Intelligence Center...Soldier "Jerry" wrote this coded letter to super-agent
"Poppa." The super-agent was in Cuba to keep his shit-detector on a teenager named Fidel Castro.
Just like Poppa, Jerry had a four-digit IQ and a triple-A rating as a spy, so the CIA sent him to Vienna
in 1937 to get the goods on upstart Adolph. Jerry could not have been more accurate about the future
of Germany–and the world. But when he mailed his report to CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia,
he had insufficient postage. The 1937 report, which Jerry titled "World War Deuce Awaits Thee,"
became DEAD MAIL.
For more than seventy years, "World War Deuce Awaits Thee" was buried ten miles beneath somewhere
in the Appalachian Mountains. However, we have unearthed it and the manuscript, sealed in CIA-issued
wrapping paper, is in mint condition. It will be published five years from today or ten years from today,
or fifteen years from today. Depending on which comes first.
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Elsewhere in the 1945 letter from Jerry to Poppa:
I could play Holden Caulfield myself...
Five years before the "Holden Project" was completed, good old Jerry Spylinger thought he would pick up where Mickey Rooney left off as Andy Hardy. (If and only if Andy had gone through the looking glass.)
Because Jerry remembered to use correct postage this time, the CIA declared the Holden Project
a complete success. The book brainwashed a gazillion readers into believing they were self-inflicted
with individuality whereby self-consciousness gave way to self-awareness.
Success went to Jerry's head and he went public as J. D. Salinger but his next assignment for the CIA–
in 1959–was to re-write Alice in Wonderland, the most famous "children's story" ever written:
Alice fell into a hole in Afghanistan after Humpty Dumpty sat on the World Trade Center
That project was abandoned and Jerry was retired by the CIA. His retirement gift was a former nuclear testing site in New Hampshire.
"J.D." also gave the world A Perfect Day for Bananafish and a book code-named for his adopted parents,
Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald
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Footnote
The second of NINE SALINGER PAGES was inspired by the googled subject of thirteen million websites.
For every million sites, there is one percentage of truth to this page, if and only if there is
extra credit for correct spelling.
The next Salinger page will set the record straight.
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