A Story From The Nineties About The Fifties

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In the late 1950's,  there was a nice bald man in the White House and a polite aura
to all things  American. With a face full of baby fat,  President Dwight D. Eisenhower
was a man you wanted to pat on the  head because it was so easy to like Ike.

In the late 1950's, every  television broadcast  in black&white,  lending a natural  humility
to all its images. You could see the USA in a Chevrolet but you knew all your neighbors
before embarking on that journey, necessitating a lot of postcards.

On the eve of the 60's, all  good Americans hated the Communists and all cars had fins
but none of them came from Japan. Father always knew best but
Who gets to be Queen For A Day?

This  question was  answered  five times  a week on national TV
in what can be described as a  "Lowlier Than Thou" game show.

Housewives with family hardships of varying degrees would parade tales
of personal woe & need before a live audience and the neediest storyteller
gets everything she needs and then some.

It was  Matt Maddox's favorite  weekday  TV show. Queen For A Day aired at 4:00,
just when Matt arrived home from the Saint Ignatius School.
                
HOUSEWIFE #1  needs de-humidifiers for her asthmatic husband and  child.
Both were named Ernie.

HOUSEWIFE  #2  needs  a house sitter for her five children while
she has heart surgery and  recuperates  for  two  weeks  in  a  hospital.
No one in her family was named Ernie.

HOUSEWIFE #3 never had  a honeymoon with her home-coming
GI husband whose Korean tour of duty cut short their marital celebration.
His name was Ernie.

Audience applause, measured by a clap-o-meter, determined the winner.
Sympathy was expressed by pounding  flesh upon flesh..

The eyes of eight-year-old Matt Maddox were focused on a Zenith portable TV
with its aerial fully extended diagonally across the kitchen table.

The  second-grade  student  of  Sister Mary Celibate was still wearing
his blue SIS-monogrammed tie and white shirt with the sleeves rolled up.

Between bites of  Mallomar cookies and sips of milk, Matt enthusiastically agreed
with the 9.8 audience rating for the be-crowned heart patient.
He got chocolate all over both hands.

His mother, a widowed nurse, would not get home  from work until five o'clock.
Matt was her only child. He prayed for the day when she would be a contestant
on Queen For A Day.

HOUSEWIFE #2 got showered with gifts after the host placed her on a throne
for the day.  First came the flowers, then jewels from Tiffany and perfume
from Revlon. For every tear that fell from her eyes, the Queen For A Day
was given another gift:  a  refrigerator, patio furniture,
a Macy's wardrobe,  barbecue equipment...

There was applause  aplenty and a  future TWA Caribbean vacation with her husband,
who could not  possibly  be  undelighted  with  the  buxom  and leggy house-sitter
or the  playground set to keep his five children occupied.
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In the  late  1990's, we did not have a nice,  bald man in the White House.
We had President Clinton and his sex life became public domain but no cars
had  fins  because  that  would  be aerodynamically incorrect.

Matt Maddox no longer ate Mallomars and people had to be reminded to get milk.

Americans no longer hated the Communists but people who hated each other
were welcome guests on The Jerry Springer Show.

It was as if  Queeen For A Day went through the looking glass,  thought Matt,
where the queen was more likely to be a transvestite and vulgarity
replaced  sentimental  sagas.

Lowlier-Than-Thou now meant lower on the evolutionary scale.

The husband of Wife #1  ran off with a Macy's salesgirl, who saved all her used condoms
in a refrigerator. Her tragic childhood featured a father who loved to watch little girls
in the playground then he would give them flowers.
Her brother  put motor oil in her de-humidifier.

The wife of Husband #1  made love to his best friend on a patio lounge
while Husband #1 barbecued burgers. The best friend, who had huge biceps
and great tattoos, married the Macy's girl, a/k/a Wife #2,
after  nearly  choking on a burger.

After their Carribean honeymoon, Wife #2 ran off with Husband #1.

The stage was  showered with profanity and chairs were thrown
by jilted and jilting lovers.

The audience applauded the violence but there was no clap-o-meter
and the winner was always Jerry  Springer.

A stunned Matt Maddox watched this mental poverty on parade where participants
got Tiffany watches  or Revlon perfume.

He turned off his Sony Big Screen TV and turned on the Matt Maddox Memory Show.
No screen necessary. No physical objects required.

Matt just closed his eyes real tight until he could taste the Mallomars and feel the knotted
school  tie with the white shirt sleeves rolled up.

One blink of his eyes and  the table top Zenith TV
in hazy black&white with maximum volume:
Who Wants To Be QUEEN FOR A DAY?
 
Matt could remember everything about Queen For A Day  except the name of the host.
But Matt Maddox was certain that the host's name wasn't Ernie.


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Footnotes
The Tiffany hyperlink is a book that was designed by C. A. Robson, a/k/a Mrs. CarPeo.

Jack Bailey was the host of Queen For A Day.
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