It All Began On SQUARE Day
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Quite clearly, there is a spider visible on then-Pope Benedict's cassock.
Quite clearly, the media missed the historical significance of the event.
Yes, Steven Colbert got some incredible comedic mileage about "Spider-Pope."
Yes, all major media reported exactly what happened....and nothing more.
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On September, 26, 2009, Pope Benedict was addressing a large assembly
of people in Austria. He spoke in English:
There is no simple answer to that question
were his exact words the moment the spider fell out of view after climbing up
to the Pontiff's left shoulder.
Pope Benedict was in the middle of a 3-day visit to Austria when,
according to the Institure of Inane Research, the visit was curtailed
and the Pontiff immediately flew back to the Vatican with the spider
comfortably ensconced in a fur-lined mayonaisse jar.
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The day before September 26, 2009 (also known as 9/26/9)
was a day also known as 9/25/9
Each number in that date is a perfect square.
| 3 Squared | = | 32 | = | 3 × 3 | = | 9 |
| 5 Squared | = | 52 | = | 5 × 5 | = | 25 |
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That is when the Institute of Inane Research, in Piscataway, NJ–
an affiliate of the Lewis Carroll School of Logic–
overheard a conversation between the proprietors
of a place called HEAVEN.
"Godette, today is SQUARE DAY...let's send the boy back to earth."
"Oh, God. Don't be a jerk. SQUARE DAY would be so obvious,
let him go tomorrow."
"If you insist, my dear."
"Okay, I'll get the boy...Hey, Jesus, your Father wants you."
...
...
...
"What took you so long, son?"
"Sorry, Dad. I was reading Kafka–The Metamorphosis–
an incredible story about transformation."
"Yeah, Kafka's cool...and what an incredible coincidence!"
"Dad, I know you move in mysterious ways. But, a coincidence,
what the hell are you talking about?"
"Remember that remarkable advertising slogan they had for you
the day they crucified you."
"That was more than two thousand years ago, I don't remember."
"It is time for The Second Coming. You're going back to earth.
Your mother is packing your loincloth and some other things
as we speak. The coincidence is that you are going to Kafka's
home city, Prague. That is where my main man–Pope Benedict–is."
"Okay, I'll go back but–after all the wars they started,
after all the slaughtering, all the deceptions based on
religion–I will not go back in human form."
"Why, son?"
"Because no amount of anger control could stop a human Jesus
from being incredibly violent with all the so-call Christian leaders
on planet earth."
"Whatever you say, Jesus."
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Having just read Kafka's story about a man transformed into a cockroach
and knowing that Ratzinger–Pope Benedict's birth name–begins with r-a-t,
Jesus decided to return to earth as an arachnid.
He looked into the future and saw that a series of movies about a spider-man
sold four billion dollars worth of tickets on the same earth he was returning to.
But the spider-form that Jesus was assuming did not want to do anything superhuman.
The next Kafka page, which has nothing to do
with Pope Benedict, is here
but please read on
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On September 26, 2009, no one in Prague had seen Pope Benedict
place the spider in the fur-lined mayonaisse jar.
When they returned to Rome, Spider-Jesus was placed
in a climate-controlled vault in a basement room,
five flights down from the Sistine Chapel.
The first things Spider-Jesus asked for were an eight-legged
miniature loincloth and "at least three Dawn Powell novels."
Because of his global responsibilities as the leader of the Catholic Church,
Pope Benedict could only spend a limited amount of time
with the reincarnation of Jesus Christ.
The man who died on a cross and returned as a spider was getting antsy
about the infrequent visits of his human interlocutor.
Spider-Jesus said "Benny, twenty-eight is a perfect number,
February is the shortest month and thirteen
is the most superstitious number."
The Pope was puzzled. "Why do you say that, Jesus."
I need you full-time, Benny. I want you to resign on February 28, 3013.
And while I am here, something brilliant will happen.
You will be replaced by a Jesuit.
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You, I mean YOU, the reader...
Imagine if you suddenly became privy to the greatest Christian secret on earth...
and it required your constant attention but guaranteed you
the absolutely five-star eternal rewards...
You could travel around the world with
a globally appealing flea circus by having
an insect perform acrobatically but, of course–
to keep the arachnid's true identity secret–
the spider would not wear his loincloth.
Your nickname for the spider would be Flic-Flac.
But his scientific name would be–for reasons
to obscure his biblical significance–Cebrennus Rechenbergi.
You and your performing spider
would be featured in
the New York Times.
While the text of the article
gets its own page, you would
make beaucoup bucks!
Wouldn't that inspire you
to leave your day job?
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