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In the late 1950's, there was a nice bald man in the White House and a polite aura
to all things American. With a face full of baby fat, President Dwight D. Eisenhower
was a man you wanted to pat on the head because it was so easy to like Ike.
In the late 1950's, every television broadcast in black&white, lending a natural humility
to all its images. You could see the USA in a Chevrolet but you knew all your neighbors
before embarking on that journey, necessitating a lot of postcards.
On the eve of the 60's, all good Americans hated the Communists and all cars had fins
but none of them came from Japan. Father always knew best but
Who gets to be Queen For A Day?
This question was answered five times a week on national TV
in what can be described as a "Lowlier Than Thou" game show.
Housewives with family hardships of varying degrees would parade tales
of personal woe & need before a live audience and the neediest storyteller
gets everything she needs and then some.
It was Matt Maddox's favorite weekday TV show. Queen For A Day aired at 4:00,
just when Matt arrived home from the Saint Ignatius School.
HOUSEWIFE #1 needs de-humidifiers for her asthmatic husband and child.
Both were named Ernie.
HOUSEWIFE #2 needs a house sitter for her five children while
she has heart surgery and recuperates for two weeks in a hospital.
No one in her family was named Ernie.
HOUSEWIFE #3 never had a honeymoon with her home-coming
GI husband whose Korean tour of duty cut short their marital celebration.
His name was Ernie.
Audience applause, measured by a clap-o-meter, determined the winner.
Sympathy was expressed by pounding flesh upon flesh..
The eyes of eight-year-old Matt Maddox were focused on a Zenith portable TV
with its aerial fully extended diagonally across the kitchen table.
The second-grade student of Sister Mary Celibate was still wearing
his blue SIS-monogrammed tie and white shirt with the sleeves rolled up.
Between bites of Mallomar cookies and sips of milk, Matt enthusiastically agreed
with the 9.8 audience rating for the be-crowned heart patient.
He got chocolate all over both hands.
His mother, a widowed nurse, would not get home from work until five o'clock.
Matt was her only child. He prayed for the day when she would be a contestant
on Queen For A Day.
HOUSEWIFE #2 got showered with gifts after the host placed her on a throne
for the day. First came the flowers, then jewels from Tiffany and perfume
from Revlon. For every tear that fell from her eyes, the Queen For A Day
was given another gift: a refrigerator, patio furniture,
a Macy's wardrobe, barbecue equipment...
There was applause aplenty and a future TWA Caribbean vacation with her husband,
who could not possibly be undelighted with the buxom and leggy house-sitter
or the playground set to keep his five children occupied.
***************************
In the late 1990's, we did not have a nice, bald man in the White House.
We had President Clinton and his sex life became public domain but no cars
had fins because that would be aerodynamically incorrect.
Matt Maddox no longer ate Mallomars and people had to be reminded to get milk.
Americans no longer hated the Communists but people who hated each other
were welcome guests on The Jerry Springer Show.
It was as if Queeen For A Day went through the looking glass, thought Matt,
where the queen was more likely to be a transvestite and vulgarity
replaced sentimental sagas.
Lowlier-Than-Thou now meant lower on the evolutionary scale.
The husband of Wife #1 ran off with a Macy's salesgirl, who saved all her used condoms
in a refrigerator. Her tragic childhood featured a father who loved to watch little girls
in the playground then he would give them flowers.
Her brother put motor oil in her de-humidifier.
The wife of Husband #1 made love to his best friend on a patio lounge
while Husband #1 barbecued burgers. The best friend, who had huge biceps
and great tattoos, married the Macy's girl, a/k/a Wife #2,
after nearly choking on a burger.
After their Carribean honeymoon, Wife #2 ran off with Husband #1.
The stage was showered with profanity and chairs were thrown
by jilted and jilting lovers.
The audience applauded the violence but there was no clap-o-meter
and the winner was always Jerry Springer.
A stunned Matt Maddox watched this mental poverty on parade where participants
got Tiffany watches or Revlon perfume.
He turned off his Sony Big Screen TV and turned on the Matt Maddox Memory Show.
No screen necessary. No physical objects required.
Matt just closed his eyes real tight until he could taste the Mallomars and feel the knotted
school tie with the white shirt sleeves rolled up.
One blink of his eyes and the table top Zenith TV
in hazy black&white with maximum volume:
Who Wants To Be QUEEN FOR A DAY?
Matt could remember everything about Queen For A Day except the name of the host.
But Matt Maddox was certain that the host's name wasn't Ernie.
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Footnotes
The Tiffany hyperlink is a book that was designed by C. A. Robson, a/k/a Mrs. CarPeo.
Jack Bailey was the host of Queen For A Day.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
This is GODFATHER OF MATH, The Sequel <<<<<>>>> If you continue reading, you may need laughter insurance.
Quote-unQuote
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes = G. CARLIN...Stain glass, engraved glass, frosted glass
–give me plain glass = JOHN FOWLES...Music is the mathematics of the gods = PYTHAGORAS...Nothing is more fluid than language = R. L. SWIHART
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I think therefore I am troubled = RENEE DESCARTES<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes = G. CARLIN...Stain glass, engraved glass, frosted glass
–give me plain glass = JOHN FOWLES...Music is the mathematics of the gods = PYTHAGORAS...Nothing is more fluid than language = R. L. SWIHART
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I think therefore I am troubled = RENEE DESCARTES<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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What did people knoow in the nineties? Nuttin putin it in perspective
ReplyDeleteThey knoowed not to trust their computers to add
Delete1999 + 1
This resulted in an unnecessary gazillion dollars
spent to prevent–and prepare for–the mythical
Y2K global computer disaster.
They might as well have spent the money on
finding the Loch Ness monster.
Good for the supermarkets
ReplyDeleteIn the RALPH's Supermarket
Deleteon 4th Street in Long Beach 90803
there was a Loch Ness Monster sighting.
Reportedly, it was seen by Uma Thurman/Munson
(not the actress but the New York Yankee widow.)
It is somtimes difficult to recall who said
ReplyDeleteWhat
But it is more important to remember what they said
ReplyDelete(Whoever, "they" might be.)